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DABBING!
It's happened, I am old, out of touch with the youth and officially past it.
The first thing that brings me to this sad conclusion is I spent my Sunday cooking a Sunday dinner. Not only did I base and stuff the chicken but I waited next to the oven to see if my Yorkshire puddings would rise. When they did I said the historical wife words that I never thought I'd say... Look at my Yorkshires, they are massive. This is a super human power, a magic trick! I finally did it, might as well just start calling me dynamo. After feeling quite bloody smug with myself for cooking a Sunday dinner for my family I was hit by the second thing to secure my theory on being past it.
After dinner, I asked if they enjoyed it and my son raised one arm in the air and tilted his head behind the other and started shaking. I thought something was wrong with him, I was wondering if he was having a reaction to my food, I just stare blank at him wondering what is this language coming from the little human in our house. IT was only when my husband said that is a good thing that I became even more confused! here's how the conversation went.
Mike ' he is dabbing'
me; 'what is dabbing'
Mike; 'It's what the kids do'
me; 'what wave their hands around in the air'
mike ' yeah it means its a good thing'
me; ' I don't get it'
mike 'ill show you'
Out comes Google, the master of all intelligence to show me what dabbing is. old people dabbing, young people dabbing, even a song all about this crazy arm movement. The look on my face was priceless, I am saying things like, they really do this, and this is a 'thing?'
I just do not understand how I have got to this stage in life when I can actually say and mean, that's not what we did when we were kids.
Take a look at this shit....
This was going on at my dinner table and left me.... well... speechless!
When I was a kid, you had to press a record button at the perfect moment next to your TV on a Friday night to tape your songs for the week, it made you feel like a king. A pen was an essential tool for a cassett when it tried to eat itself and you had to wind it up yourself.
To have some peace or to block people calling, you un hooked the phone.
When internet was invented in my youth, it had a dial tone, one that drove you so crazy you didn't actually want to use the internet. You also had to unplug the phone to use it, not like the kids of today who can be playing fifa online, clash of clans on the tablet and face time on the phone.
A tweet was something a bird did.
We had a disposable camera in which you had either 27 32 or 36 chances to picture your holiday, you may have wasted one on trying to take a picture of yourself with the scene in the background. You certainly did nit take 6 or 7 trying to capture one with out you having a double chin or fat arms.
Pie was a pie. or a mathematical equation. It did not me haha. Ha Ha meant haha , lol .
I had to wait 12 months to know what a text message option on my phone was and I could only speak to someone for 1.5 minutes before my £10 credit ran out. That time was used wisely to get a meeting point. Now the kids don't leave the bedrooms as facetime is so available. Then if they do facetime, they don't talk oh no, they watch each other play games. In my day that would be, boring.
Penny sweets were a penny.
Homework was on paper, we shared a computer between two classes and we had to use co-ordiates to draw a square. Homework never ever was to be done on a computer as they just didn't exist, we had cyber cafes for that. In which you could use the computer for 1 hour for £3
We had 4 t.v channels, and when the 5th one came out, it was the most exciting things ever.
A troll was a toy with purple hair.
Data was unlimited, and it was a vhs recorder that you had to pick between taping over a home video or a summer holiday.
We walked to school, we did not have a hover board.
And we did not at the dinner table raise our arms in the air and do a head nod. We said thank you for dinner. That was how we communicated back when I was young.
I am totally and utterly past understanding the vocabulary and technology of today, try as I might to try and keep up, I simply do not have the energy to. I can't believe this has happened to me, as a teenager ( which obviously was like yesterday) I promised myself I would never grow 'old' I may be older but never old.
I have been finding myself in some heated discussions with my eight year old son about him being on his ipad too much and he is really finding his defensive emotions now, getting quite agitated with me ruining his life, so much so one day this year he even packed up his trunkie ( yes his trunkie- designed for 4 -9 year olds) and attempted to leave home. Shouting things in the street like
'OMG mum, WTH you do not understand my life. I just want to be on peak with my games and spend time with my friends watching joel's you tubes.. he's the bomb, how can I watch him or be with my friends if you don't let me have my tablet?"
but I do let you have your tablet
'7 HOURS A DAY JUST IS NOT ENOUGH!'
Telling you, I could have busted out my big momma pants and gave him what for yet I have learnt that this tactic does not phase him. I have to be clever, clever enough to make him realise that he is being a absolute doughnut with out saying to him how ridiculous he is being for an 8 year old. I would have got a smack, but that is not how we parent these days is it, especially not in the middle of the street.
He's right though, I pretend to, but i do not understand him, I must fake it until I make it with this new 21st century lingo!
It happened, I'm one of them, the people who thought things were better in their day. A totally old folkie for even using the word old folkie! I feel like our home has been turned upside down recently. I have a child who communicates with hand gestures that only the youth can understand (whilst I stare blankly into space wondering what I have done wrong in my parenting) and the other part of my life that has been taken over is my Husband, My dog has stolen my husband. Here are a few examples of how I know I am now the second woman in our home not the first.
1. He saved the dog
During a long country walk at the weekend we happened to cross into a field where there were a herd of cattle, I told my husband to check the field and what was in it, These word ' there's nothing in the field but weeds' .....was a total lie.
A little way into the field cattle start coming towards us, I froze , I was risk assessing the situation. Was it better to run back where I came from or carry on in the direction we were heading. Is this dangerous or am I being dramatic. I wasted around 30 seconds trying to work out an escape plan and confirming my suspicions that this actually a very dangerous situation. I heard my husbands voice change into a panicky one that said 'we must walk faster'. By this time My Husband was far ahead of me, and he had picked the dog up under his arms and was gone. By walk faster I think the descriptive word he was looking for was run. The cows got closer and were running towards me, by this time I'm flying solo in the field as husband was gone. I closed my eyes and the only words to describe this situation was, shit, this word was only repeated in my head faster and faster, the closer and closer they came.
Cows are actually very large and very scary especially when there is around 7 or 8 of them coming to you at speed, and then they stopped, right in front of me were two king of cows staring into my brain. They were huge. Another word came into my head, help, then it came out of my head through my mouth a fair few times. My husband turned round to me with no words of wisdom he just said,( again in that panic voice i rarely hear) ' I thought you were behind me.' The dog was still under his arm, and I could tell she was laughing at me through those eyes thinking she had won as my husband chose to save her.
The protocol for cattle is let the dog off the lead and let them out run the cows. He chose to ignore this and leave me as the bate, there was no way I was outrunning them. I just closed my eyes put my head down and was muttering 'nice cow, nice cow' as I moved around the ring of them that now surrounded me. Death by cow was not how I wanted to go so I just thought happy thoughts and manoeuvred very slowly through them and across the rest of the field with them staring at me and me staring at the floor trying not to make eye contact to infuriate them more.
I'm not sure how I came out of that one alive but i did,, and i also learnt a lesson. The dog is the one he would save.
2. The dog gets a kiss before me when he comes in
3. The dog can piss wherever she wants and he thinks it is funny.
This has been the latest outburst and regular disagreement in our house.
I can't tell you how many times I have been down to pets at home and b & m purchasing anti dog piss inventions to try and stop this. It was becoming quite expensive so I researched home remedies and bi carbonate of soda helps apparently. So I bought that too and tipped that all over my carpets upstairs before giving up the will to live and just chucking any white powder down to try and drown out that retched stench. In my opinion three bags of flour can't make it any worse! After spending the whole day vaxing the carpet and scrubbing on my hands and knees, low and behold, the dog came in bedroom squatted and pissed. Like it didn't even matter i was wasting my life doing something that i shouldn't need to do after 7 months being a dog owner
WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!
What are you doing! are you fucking serrrrriiiioooooosssss! I caught the end of the piss, I was seething! screaming things like 'I just took you outside and you come in and piss on the carpet! not ok!' The thing that made this situation 1000 times worse is that as she was doing it, my husband let her, didn't try and stop her from urinating just watched her! just....watched.... her! Mouth open moment! Just like he watch me clean those bloody carpets! If the dog thought she was in trouble she wasn't prepared for the rath my husband was about to take.
Fuming head on admittedly I was on the verge of tears in a very angry voice saying, 'would you be standing there and laughing if I decided to just drop my pants and piss on the carpet, would you just watch me? would you not ask what I was doing? Would you let me do it and say things like, ah well she is only a human! Would you let human piss lay in the carpet like you do a dog. IT's disgusting! This dog should know it is not ok to just piss wherever she feels it ok to do! You do not just ignore a dog that is pissing in front of you and then laugh. Laughing Is a gift given to us for funny things, THIS IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! I have wasted hours cleaning this actal piss carpet and now its RUUIIINNNNEEED. whats the point!
After all of that he said,
' chill out, you know I don't like telling her off'
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHG
I could not believe it, had it not have been the fact that I would have had to clear it up, out of protest I would have gone and pissed all over his clothes to see if he would tell me off or clean it up. I took the dog outside, left her out there for ten minutes while I scrubbed that dirty dogs piss up again, only to let her in and she pisses again- this time staring at me as if to say, screw you. As I turn around to my husband he actually burst out laughing again!
I had no words left after this point, I slept on the sofa, but he didn't care, he let the dog sleep in the bed!
4. The dog sleeps in the bed
5. The dog is aloud to eat my shoes with no telling off
6. The dog gets weekly treats, I do not.
7. He pays for her hair cut.
8. he takes selfies with the dog and not me
Based on the recent events in my family home i feel it's time to take back some control.
I am doing it, I am going to teach the child actual vocabulary, the dog where she can and can't piss. Lastly One day I will finally teach the husband the difference between funny and socially unacceptable behaviour.
Other than the dabbing and the dog piss house i am fighting a war with, life is good.
There's some massive massive changes on the horizon that are rather exciting and stressful all rolled into one. Both with in the business and our personal life. We have definitely hit another hump of being over capacity within the business so trying to implement systems to save time as well as being busy with the general manufacturing has bought back a tad of adrenaline, hopefully this helps with this next tricky stage. I am finding myself more and more in a situation to lean on others to help with tasks, not something that comes naturally but one i have and must get better with in order for this long term plan to work out. A real test to learn how to manage a team.
Sometimes i really feel the pressure of being a mum running a business from home, especially during the school holidays. I have all the usual stress of being a work mum along with all the usual stress of being a stay at home mum. Combine the two and I feel screwed.
I still have to get my work done, i still need to look after my son. Sometimes this is a piece of piss, and other times it's as uncontrollable as dog piss on the carpet.
I worry that his childhood memories will be of his mum working what seems to be all the time and the benefits of working from home like school drop offs and pick ups, family assemblies and activity days will merge into a memory he chooses to forget. I can only justify this situation in repeating to myself that he is lucky to see his mum at regular school activities as it was a privilege i did not have growing up. Like it or not we live in a century where the majority of households have both parents working. I am not sure how we as a community manage this, to still hold our shit together while our brains are full of tasks. Keep on top of a house, get to work, get the kids to school, homework, more work, family time, feeding time, washing time. Fixing broken stuff, managing finances, scheduling school holidays. I would just like to commend you reading this for holding it down, and keeping shit real, what ever your situation because this thing called life is not always easy even though some glide through so what seems so care free. Every one has their own storms to sit through and their own sunny days, Every success comes with so much sacrifice and I see it in all of my friends. wherever you are at I applaud you!
On the note of you being awesome,
I'll catch you soon.
MRS B
