The dog stole my husband and my Son is Dabbing!

DABBING!

It's not very often I am flabbergasted, and it's not very often I can use this word in a sentence either. The events over the past few days have left me with only this word to describe the look on my face.

It's happened, I am old, out of touch with the youth and officially past it.

The first thing that brings me to this sad conclusion is I spent my Sunday cooking a Sunday dinner. Not only did I base and stuff the chicken but I waited next to the oven to see if my Yorkshire puddings would rise. When they did I said the historical wife words that I never thought I'd say... Look at my Yorkshires, they are massive. This is a super human power, a magic trick! I finally did it, might as well just start calling me dynamo. After feeling quite bloody smug with myself for cooking a Sunday dinner for my family I was hit by the second thing to secure my theory on being past it.
   After dinner, I asked if they enjoyed it and my son raised one arm in the air and tilted his head behind the other and started shaking. I thought something was wrong with him, I was wondering if he was having a reaction to my food, I just stare blank at him wondering what is this language coming from the little human in our house.  IT was only when my husband said that is a good thing that I became even more confused! here's how the conversation went.

Mike ' he is dabbing'

me; 'what is dabbing'

Mike; 'It's what the kids do'

me; 'what wave their hands around in the air'

mike ' yeah it means its a good thing'

me; ' I don't get it'

mike 'ill show you'

Out comes Google, the master of all intelligence to show me what dabbing is. old people dabbing, young people dabbing, even a song all about this crazy arm movement. The look on my face was priceless, I am saying things like, they really do this, and this is a 'thing?'
I just do not understand how I have got to this stage in life when I can actually say and mean, that's not what we did when we were kids.


Take a look at this shit....

This was going on at my dinner table and left me.... well... speechless!

When I was a kid, you had to press a record button at the perfect moment next to your TV on a Friday night to tape your songs for the week, it made you feel like a king. A pen was an essential tool for a cassett when it tried to eat itself and you had to wind it up yourself.

To have some peace or to block people calling, you un hooked the phone.

When internet was invented in my youth, it had a dial tone, one that drove you so crazy you didn't actually want to use the internet. You also had to unplug the phone to use it, not like the kids of today who can be playing fifa online, clash of clans on the tablet and face time on the phone.

A tweet was something a bird did.

We had a disposable camera in which you had either 27 32 or 36 chances to picture your holiday, you may have wasted one on trying to take a picture of yourself with the scene in the background. You certainly did nit take 6 or 7 trying to capture one with out you having a double chin or fat arms.

Pie was a pie. or a mathematical equation. It did not me haha. Ha Ha meant haha ,  lol .

I had to wait 12 months to know what a text message option on my phone was and I could only speak to someone for 1.5 minutes before my £10 credit ran out. That time was used wisely to get a meeting point. Now the kids don't leave the bedrooms as facetime is so available. Then if they do facetime, they don't talk oh no, they watch each other play games. In my day that would be, boring.

Penny sweets were a penny.

Homework was on paper, we shared a computer between two classes and we had to use co-ordiates to draw a square. Homework never ever was to be done on a computer as they just didn't exist, we had cyber cafes for that. In which you could use the computer for 1 hour for £3

We had 4 t.v channels, and when the 5th one came out, it was the most exciting things ever.

A troll was a toy with purple hair.

Data was unlimited, and it was a vhs recorder that you had to pick between taping over a home video or a summer holiday.

We walked to school, we did not have a hover board.

And we did not at the dinner table raise our arms in the air and do a head nod. We said thank you for dinner. That was how we communicated back when I was young.

I am totally and utterly past understanding the vocabulary and technology of today, try as I might to try and keep up, I simply do not have the energy to. I can't believe this has happened to me, as a teenager ( which obviously was like yesterday) I promised myself I would never grow 'old' I may be older but never old.

I have been finding myself in some heated discussions with my eight year old son about him being on his ipad too much and he is really finding his defensive emotions now, getting quite agitated with me ruining his life, so much so one day this year he even packed up his trunkie ( yes his trunkie- designed for 4 -9 year olds) and attempted to leave home. Shouting things in the street like
'OMG mum, WTH you do not understand my life. I just want to be on peak with my games and spend time with my friends watching joel's you tubes.. he's the bomb, how can I watch him or be with my friends if you don't let me have my tablet?"

but I do let you have your tablet

'7 HOURS A DAY JUST IS NOT ENOUGH!'

Telling you, I could have busted out my big momma pants and gave him what for yet I have learnt that this tactic does not phase him. I have to be clever, clever enough to make him realise that he is being a absolute doughnut with out saying to him how ridiculous he is being for an 8 year old. I would have got a smack, but that is not how we parent these days is it, especially not in the middle of the street.

He's right though, I pretend to, but i do not understand him, I must fake it until I make it with this new 21st century lingo!


It happened, I'm one of them, the people who thought things were better in their day. A totally old folkie for even using the word old folkie! I feel like our home has been turned upside down recently. I have a child who communicates with hand gestures that only the youth can understand (whilst I stare blankly into space wondering what I have done wrong in my parenting) and the other part of my life that  has been taken over is my Husband, My dog has stolen my husband. Here are a few examples of how I know I am now the second woman in our home not the first.


1. He saved the dog

 During a long country walk at the weekend we happened to cross into a field where there were a herd of cattle,  I told my husband to check the field and what was in it, These word ' there's nothing in the field but weeds' .....was a total lie.
A little way into the field cattle start coming towards us, I froze , I was risk assessing the situation. Was it better to run back where I came from or carry on in the direction we were heading. Is this dangerous or am I being dramatic. I wasted around 30 seconds trying to work out an escape plan and confirming my suspicions that this actually a very dangerous situation. I heard my husbands voice change into a panicky one that said 'we must walk faster'. By this time My Husband was far ahead of me, and he had picked the dog up under his arms and was gone. By walk faster I think the descriptive word he was looking for was run.  The cows got closer and were running towards me, by this time I'm flying solo in the field as husband was gone. I closed my eyes and the only words to describe this situation was, shit, this word was only repeated in my head faster and faster, the closer and closer they came.
Cows are actually very large and very scary especially when there is around 7 or 8 of them coming to you at speed, and then they stopped, right in front of me were two king of cows staring into my brain. They were huge. Another word came into my head, help, then it came out of my head through my mouth a fair few times. My husband turned round to me with no words of wisdom he just said,( again in that panic voice i rarely hear) ' I thought you were behind me.' The dog was still under his arm, and I could tell she was laughing at me through those eyes thinking she had won as my husband chose to save her.

The protocol for cattle is let the dog off the lead and let them out run the cows. He chose to ignore this and leave me as the bate, there was no way I was outrunning them. I just closed my eyes put my head down and was muttering 'nice cow, nice cow' as I moved around the ring of them that now surrounded me. Death by cow was not how I wanted to go so I just thought happy thoughts and manoeuvred very slowly through them and across the rest of the field with them staring at me and me staring at the floor trying not to make eye contact to infuriate them more.
I'm not sure how I came out of that one alive but i did,, and i also learnt a lesson. The dog is the one he would save.

2. The dog gets a kiss before me when he comes in

3. The dog can piss wherever she wants and he thinks it is funny.

This has been the latest outburst and regular disagreement in our house.

I can't tell you how many times I have been down to pets at home and b & m purchasing anti dog piss inventions to try and stop this. It was becoming quite expensive so I researched home remedies and bi carbonate of soda helps apparently. So I bought that too and tipped that all over my  carpets upstairs before giving up the will to live and just chucking any white powder down to try and drown out that retched stench. In my opinion three bags of flour can't make it any worse! After spending the whole day vaxing the carpet and scrubbing on my hands and knees, low and behold, the dog came in bedroom squatted and pissed. Like it didn't even matter i was wasting my life doing something that i shouldn't need to do after 7 months being a dog owner

WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAATTTTT!!!!


What are you doing! are you fucking serrrrriiiioooooosssss! I caught the end of the piss, I was seething! screaming things like  'I just took you outside and you come in and piss on the carpet! not ok!' The thing that made this situation 1000 times worse is that as she was doing it, my husband let her, didn't try and stop her from urinating just watched her! just....watched.... her! Mouth open moment! Just like he watch me clean those bloody carpets! If the dog thought she was in trouble she wasn't prepared for the rath my husband was about to take.

Fuming head on admittedly I was on the verge of tears in a very angry voice saying, 'would you be standing there and laughing if I decided to just drop my pants and piss on the carpet, would you just watch me? would you not ask what I was doing? Would you let me do it and say things like, ah well she is only a human! Would you let human piss lay in the carpet like you do a dog. IT's disgusting!  This dog should know it is not ok to just piss wherever she feels it ok to do! You do not just ignore a dog that is pissing in front of you and then laugh. Laughing Is a gift given to us for funny things, THIS IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! I have wasted hours cleaning this actal piss carpet and now its RUUIIINNNNEEED. whats the point!

After all of that he said,

' chill out, you know I don't like telling her off'



ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGHG
I could not believe it, had it not have been the fact that I would have had to clear it up, out of protest I would have gone and pissed all over his clothes to see if he would tell me off or clean it up. I took the dog outside, left her out there for ten minutes while I scrubbed that dirty dogs piss up again, only to let her in and she pisses again- this time staring at me as if to say, screw you. As I turn around to my husband he actually burst out laughing again!

I had no words left after this point, I slept on the sofa, but he didn't care, he let the dog sleep in the bed!

4. The dog sleeps in the bed

5. The dog is aloud to eat my shoes with no telling off

6. The dog gets weekly treats, I do not.

7. He pays for her hair cut.

8. he takes selfies with the dog and not me

Based on the recent events in my family home i feel it's time to take back some control.

I am doing it, I am going to teach the child actual vocabulary, the dog where she can and can't piss. Lastly One day I will finally teach the  husband the difference between funny and socially unacceptable behaviour.

Other than the dabbing and the dog piss house i am fighting a war with, life is good.

There's some massive massive changes on the horizon that are rather exciting and stressful all rolled into one. Both with in the business and our personal life. We have definitely hit another hump of being over capacity within the business so trying to implement systems to save time as well as being busy with the general manufacturing has bought back a tad of adrenaline, hopefully this helps with this next tricky stage. I am finding myself more and more in a situation to lean on others to help with tasks, not something that comes naturally but one i have and must get better with in order for this long term plan to work out. A real test to learn how to manage a team.

Sometimes i really feel the pressure of being a mum running a business from home, especially during the school holidays. I have all the usual stress of being a work mum  along with all the usual stress of being a stay at home mum. Combine the two and I feel screwed.
I still have to get my work done, i still need to look after my son. Sometimes this is a piece of piss, and other times it's as uncontrollable as dog piss on the carpet.
I worry that his childhood memories will be of his mum working what seems to be all the time and the benefits of working from home like school drop offs and pick ups, family assemblies and activity days will merge into a memory he chooses to forget. I can only justify this situation in repeating to myself that he is lucky to see his mum at regular school activities as it was a privilege i did not have growing up. Like it or not we live in a century where the majority of households have both parents working. I am not sure how we as a community manage this, to still hold our shit together while our brains are full of tasks. Keep on top of a house, get to work, get the kids to school, homework, more work, family time, feeding time, washing time. Fixing broken stuff, managing finances, scheduling school holidays. I would just like to commend you reading this for holding it down, and keeping shit real, what ever your situation because this thing called life is not always easy even though some glide through so what seems so care free. Every one has their own storms to sit through and their own sunny days, Every success comes with so much sacrifice and I see it in all of my friends. wherever you are at I applaud you!

On the note of you being awesome,
I'll catch you soon.

MRS B

30 amazing things that make me feel good - Time to share them!

Welcome again you lovely people! I have been otherwise engaged recently, and as you can tell with the above picture it it's not due to being utterly glamorous and attending the grammies or other equal status events. I have just been plodding along with a never ending task list and knuckling down on some expansion tasks that have been on that bloody awful to do list (lists are great until you loose them or accidentally on purpose put them into the bin! )


I have  since we last spoke, been exploring our utterly gorgeous world we live in which will all be revealed in a separate blog. A big 3-0 year too! there's a fair few blunders!

There was a time i wanted a different life in a hot country, but now I just feel utterly blessed to have England as our base! Make the plans, learn the weather won't hurt us even if it rains! England is amazing- more on that later. Today.....

Today is a little different blog. it's a little about teenie weenie tasks that make me feel awesome and not so much about my recent mishaps or general life as a wife.
Coming up to 30 i think we all expected to be a certain somewhere-
Blinded by big milestones in our life to complete , get the right job, have the perfect family balance, entertain the kids, try not to eat too many cakes, have a home ( preferably one that doesn't stink of dog piss but that again, another blog) Our visions are blurred sometimes about some truly great things that can make us feel instantly happy and i just wanted to share with you all a little piece of what we all should feel is happiness and a 'good life'

              30 amazing things that make me feel good - Time to share them!

1.            Sleeping in a freshly made bed - aweomeness!
2.            Feeling the sun on your face - instant happiness here!
3.            People saying ‘thank you’ or a random act of kindness from a stranger - nice to be nice!
4.            Finding money in unexpected places ... like the washing machine whoooo!
5.            Having time to yourself - other than on the loo with screaming kids!
6.            Laughing so hard it hurts - absoluteness! watch that comedy film!
7.            Snuggling on the sofa with a loved one - peace!
8.            Freshly made bread - screw the carbs! it's amazing!
9.            Doing something for others - take out you neighbours bins if they are older- it's nice!
10.          The clean feeling after a shower - bliss
11.          When your favourite song comes on the radio - get wild! turn it up freak out! even in the car!
12.          Finding a bargain in the sales - and tell the world too! its ok!
13.          Listening to the rainfall or thunderstorms when you’re inside
14.          Freshly brewed tea or coffee - solves everything!
15.          The thrill of personal achievement - you set the goal and do it! go you!
16.          Having a long hot bath - and enjoy it and don't cut it short!
17.          Seeing a fresh coating of snow - pretty!
18.          Freshly cut grass - then get out your towels and soak up the sun!
19.          Chocolate melting in your mouth - don't feel guilty!
20.          Doing something active outdoors (e.g. bike ride, run, country walk)
21.          Pancakes in the morning - make the kids smile!
22.          Talking to or playing with your pet
23.          That ‘Friday feeling’ - try and feel that feeling even on a Monday!
24.          Waking up before the alarm and realising there’s more time to sleep
25.          Rainbows .... just rainbows!
26.          Popping bubble wrap - it's actually more-ish!
27.          Loosening your jeans after you've eaten
28.          The ‘pop’ when you open a new jar of jam
29.          Squeezing a spot
30.          When you really don't take yourself too serious in a restaurant  

Enjoy your life you are living, leading, learning about. Find your own path, you might never want that home, that family that all the others seem to want, or you may want that but no one else does. who cares. Enjoy what is yours and only what is truley yours is your life. Enjoy your teenie tiny things that make you smile a little, eat the cake buy the shoes and smile... you will look back in ten years and think you look amazing anyway so stop stressing about those few pounds, in the bank accounts and on your body! 

Until the next blog on these world adventures.... cheers to you... and your awesomeness! and ta very much for visiting 

MRS B

www.memories-like-these.co.uk

February, the past. the current, the future self

Good morning! 

Another glorious morning on this planet of earth right! The dark windy mornings will not defeat me and I've won the first battle of the day which is getting out of bed.
Even though in the house, at this time in the morning, it is the habitat for polar bears and penguins. There is a war in our house between me and the husband over what is classified as an acceptable living temperature for humans. He thinks Antarctica is acceptable, and me well id rather wake up to the heat of the Mediterranean. 
I am on the underdog side of this battle and really need to think of a counter attack right now. A few months ago, some type of device - I assume made by NASA was fitted on our thermostat. I don't like it, i don't understand it yet I'm drawn to it, staring at it trying to work it out. I am pretty sure this contraption can send an alarm to my husband when I turn up the heating, and then as soon as it went up, without me touching it, it spirals back down. Back down to a place where my only option is to dress like an Eskimo and go ice fishing in our toilet. So one day soon he will come home and there will be storage heaters in every room on full blast, the oven on, door open and when he says it's too hot in here, ill just say in reverse what he says to me... take off a jumper then.
Seriously, how frustrating is it when you are sitting in a jumper, a coat, with other layers underneath, gloves, two pairs of socks and the brain wave of a man is to... put on another jumper! HAVE YOU EVER tried to put a jumper over a jumper. The feeling of trying to get it off because they have frictioned together somehow sends panic signals through my brain just thinking about it! you get the one of the jumpers to about shoulder height and once you realise you are stuck you would actually rather pull your head off trying to get it off then continue to run around in circles screaming get it off i'm stuck.

So no, the two jumper theory is going in the shit advice pile and that is where it will forever stay!

Even sleeping in a balaclava didn't work in my bid to get a few more degrees out of this thermostat. This information of lack of empathy towards my freezing my ass off has been noted for marriage counselling in the future.

.... I'm sure they hear this all the time,
"so what is the problems in the marriage this week"

" well... ITs so strange, i went to make a cup of tea, and a fucking peguin got me the milk, the zoo sent a flock  to us, they are over crowded and heard we had suitable living conditions. They pay rent so my husband thought win win, no heating bills and also money in pocket for penguins. Even though i talk to him every day about my desperation for heat, i think he's on a different frequency, i'm sure aliens captured him to make him tune out my voice, and in the process they fitted a device in our house, on the thermostat, and they control it from their phones!!!  I think that's enough problems for us to discuss this week i am even happy to leave out the fact he expects sex in these conditions, even though i am clearly and ice sculpture at 10pm at night, i go bed in a balaclava and two pairs of pj's because he told me to put extra layers on.... then he wants me to take them all off! I'm confused by this contradiction, His solution is farting, which i have said over and over again that this will absolutely  not thaw me out or make me warm! "

counsellor; ".................. time for divorce"


Yes so getting up is a big bloody task in the mornings at the moment!  But its done so victory dance for me! 

I had a thought over a cuppa this morning! How can my mind change its attitude so quickly over night? little tiny things,

For example;

The whole of January, I was having lots of conversations that were along the lines of  ... wish January would hurry up and end, its a six week month, will it ever ever end, nearly there, it's killing me, ground hog day, wake up.. pop head out of duvet and realise it is still January therefore decide i'm not getting out of bed today, etc etc... 

Then on January 31st i went to sleep as usual.

But then on February 1st when i woke up my daily conversations consisted of...

oh my god, i cant believe it is February, I blinked and it was gone. Time is going so fast. Can you actually believe the first month in 2016 is gone? Christmas was like yesterday! ( I wish Christmas was only yesterday i would feel slightly better about still storing some christmas pud on my hips but hey ho! )

If my today self was talking to my yesterday self they wouldn't even know they had shared the same body! 

I often wonder what my future self will tell my now self ... now that would be some crazy conversations... can you imagine what your future self would say after a night out. 

Now past Laura i know you think its really cool to pretend you are still 18 and try to have shots,however, in doing so prepare yourself to puke in a very public area and be escorted from the premises. 

past Laura ( still drunk) what are you the boring brigade... fuck you, i'm having the best night ever ( puke) 

Would these conversations ever really make a difference to the end result? this is something we will never know but can only wonder. one thing for sure is we become a little more wiser with age. 

Like before marriage, my past self writing a list of things for my future self to stick to, because i may change into someone i do not recognise... whoever said people don't change, seriously got that wrong! I (Tell me people don't change when they have had kids... you bloody have to! you run to bed, you love it more than you love drinking, you savour showers and baths like there's a water strike and headphones are used to block out noise rather than listen to noise. so yes people do change.)

SO my past self would my future self;

 Tell your husband you love him, make time to make new memories, be kind, do not nag, don't hold onto an argument, definitely do not start them, find unique ways to keep him happy, laugh, live and love each other every day, family first always etc etc. 

Now let me tell you that this is great i often refer to my past self and think you were a very clever lady. I also think on the rare occasion that she is a bit of an unrealistic turnip. 

Life just gets in the way doesn't it and well, it just keeps on happening, the usual, the day to day running around being a mum, working, trying not to explode into the size of a small hippo and do it all with a smile, keep the house together, carry out sexual activities so husband remains happy,still retain some form of social life for yourself , do homework for your kids because you do not want to be frowned upon because they didn't do it themselves, even though you nagged about 20 times, AND the biggest most pressured task out of them all is making sure your mini me has the best possible childhood you can give them. 

If i could talk to my past self i would ask her  how she would feel if she went to the toilet and found there was no toilet paper left, that the husband did leave the empty toilet roll in there but did not replace with a new one. How would she feel about running around with her jeans between her ankles trying to locate the next toilet roll with the dog trying to attack her pants. How would she get past this because she said not to nag, therefore no roll was replaced, be kind, so that means she can not air the fact that i think that my husband is to blame for this incident, and how would she  say i love you after she had to fight a dog for her pants.
All the time fighting the dog would she be thinking, fucking men, how hard is it to put new toilet paper down.

How would she react? I wonder...not the same as my future self for sure,

 but i did say the future self is wiser right? so maybe i'm totally right to change the list from what my past self would write.

I am forgetting an extremely important part of life, in fact the most important one.. my present self

As i write this There is a currently a recycling epidemic in our house, i should have sirens to warn people of the ever growing pile of cardboard, plastic and paper that gets put near the back door, on the counter top. At first i look in shock at this then think it must be important better ask the husband what this is about. are we running out of renewable energy, are we saving the earth by insulating with cardboard? 

NO...

No.. No...NO....

when i ask why they are there, its because they need to be put in the bin. Now for any men that are currently reading this if a woman has a long drawn out OK .. it is not ok. 

What my brain is currently doing is processing data. Data that does not work in your favour may i add. it seems simple, put the recycling in the bin, yet it is left, why? why oh why is it left because, i already have like 20 things on my to do list today, that is standard for any working mum and this one extra thing... one teeny weenie ting task of putting that recycling in the bin outside makes us women want to hurt you. If it is infarct one tiny task... do it yourself! 

Honestly.... these are the days when women, including myself  want to throw our hands up in the air and say fuck this fuckidy shit , just fuck it,  and don't even think about fucking me because i'm going bed.... on the sofa.. alone.. (whilst walking away some under the breath fuckin wanker words .. or along those lines, but at this point in time every woman on this planet self diagnoses turrets. We cant be held responsible for our word vom as the volcano has erupted and this is a side effect of that explosion).  

BUT we do not do this! oh no, NO NO NO... because we are women. women that hold this shit together, we decide to put our big girl pants on and say OK... Because if we were to loose our shit about this, you would say we would be on our period, ( god help you if you are one of them that say it and we are not on our period! )

TERMS AND CONDITIONS FOR THE USE OF OK

( we do hold onto this data for further analysis, a touch of editing and it will be ready to bring up in an argument at a later date.... or we reserve the right to use this Intel against you for a valid reason for refusal of sexual duties, no expiration date )

This is what happens in our home... because this is life, and life just happens. sometimes perfect and sometimes world war 3.

well, Hello current self, honest and open about how i really feel because at this point in time in my life i believe honesty is the best policy. I do hope that my future self is never corrupted about my firm morals, ( although morals are taking annual leave when drunk)  I can not talk to my future self as she is wiser and a bit of a bore, my past self has some rose tinted glasses on, and has far too much energy for me to keep up with, therefore i can only really rely on my current self. 

And the current self is quite happy just ticking along a slower steadier road in life where i am not beating myself up at every given chance that i didn't get today completely right. because my current self knows that life just happens exactly the way it is supposed to whether your going 50 or 100 mph. 

So this week we have been celebrating! little man turned 8! .. 8

Now it doesn't matter how old your child is you always have to repeat their age twice because you do not actually believe it, even after the first week! a week, can you believe it ... a week! 

 i am being faced with a reality of my kid not being a kid so much longer! what do i do! how did this happen! i slept what felt a year now 8 have passed! even though i know i wished for things to be easier... that is not what my future self would tell my past self at all! I am so glad i cherished those moments at night to appreciate that that would be the only time he would be that small. I couldn't have gave more to his younger years in that respect but its still going too fast! 

so current self; Do i take every hug the chance i get, do i do these adventures I've always had a habit of putting off until 'next year'. Yes to both, this year is for living, it's for absolutely taking every chance i can to bank some unforgeable moments, moments that do not have to cost anything from my pocket, some that ill just have to close my eyes pay the plastic and figure it out later. This is where i can be the best of me with my boy, i can encourage new things to try, promote independence and shake off anxieties i know he has about new things being scary. That is the plan!

To not let life get in the way.

The boy is obviously well entertained this week after such an event like a birthday! There is lego everywhere. I'm scared about peeing in the night encase Lego is on the floor so i might need a bladder repair next week.

The husband is working like a slave really, the time of years for boilers go bust so ships that pass in the night and on the rare occasions over the last week hit an iceberg and sink. We rectified such a week with a meal together, out, out from the house, the work, the cleaning to just spend a few hours laughing again. that now at nearly 30 classifies as out out, where as before out out meant a 3 day hangover. I was majorly entertained this night as i went all out and had pudding. For those that do not know me that well I am lactose intolerant and cant eat ice cream without feeling, unwell. I do it though... i live on the crazy side of life.. i take the chance that my body may not reject this food. and well, it never quite works. I ate it a big cinnamon waffle that had a side order of icecream - hadn't read that bit!  As we are driving home, we stop at the traffic lights and i open the door and puke, shut the door turn to my husband and say "well that was random" 

His face had me laughing my head off.. for the rest of the night! 

He starred at me even though the lights were on green and said, 

No.. No Laura its not random you are lactose intolerant and every time you eat ice-cream you puke, so you cant say its random! 

HAHA.. you got me ... well, in that case, my body is still lactose intolerable, no change from last month. put it in your data sheet mr know it all.

So the husbands good, knackered but good, the kid is excellent of course he would be after such a fun week, i am happy, as happy as i can be  through the dark months considering the weather plays with my mood so much and the dog, and the dog is just a nutcase, she has a terrible habit at the moment of putting both paws in her water bowl and scoping the bloody water everywhere, absolutely everywhere, i have to mop every day.. then she uses the bowl to skid around on the water, water she just splashed over! so appears to me she's a normal puppy again now! one more week and we can take her on her first walk which we are very excited about! 

Time for me to start the day to day mountain of tasks, in doing so I might also embrace the mount Everest of recycling and use my creative side to paint it ... i paint everything else so I'm sure the husband will not mind that either. I'm going to live in the moment,  

Let us all take today by the horn and lets make 2016 an unforgetable one,  because our current selves are telling us to do so.

Have a fabulous week my fabulous readers.. and if you can't then just throw your hands up and say fuck this fuckidity shit and go bed, you probably need the sleep 

MRS B 

X 

HELLO 2016

Another dark morning when we all wake up, Winter has arrived the last few weeks!  Here is a few minutes reading today whilst you are in bed hopefully waking up with a cuppa. or for the time it publishes to facebook a bit of lunch time reading. A cuppa is just what us brits need to prepare us before the day starts rolling into one big ball of stress ... or  may be you are one of those really lucky people where everything is just tickety boo but from what I've found in life so far that is like finding a four leaf clover.

Well, Things are Certainly different from the last time i posted on here. I don't even know where to start. So lets pretend you are all up to date until December and i'll take it from the top there.

 The most dramatic events is a new member to our family Kenzie, who is a cockapoo, and which was suppose to be the best Christmas present ever. However as the story will reveal, I really felt a  twat about this whole dog buying adventure being the best idea i've had for a while.

Upon reflection I could have done things different and here is my theory of how this little adventure got me all emotionally ruined.

.....................I failed at my own rule in life ..................................

Rule number one.

Accept to Expect nothing.

Expect nothing is my foremost important rule in life that I have learnt so far. You will never be disappointed, you will never ever be let down and you most certainly will never be pissed off with yourself.
You can expect a lot from yourself yes, as you have the power to change your thoughts, your abilities and your knowledge however in expecting others to be a certain way is simply setting yourself up for a very bad mood. You can't control it, it's a ball ache to persuade it, so my theory is accept to expect nothing.

I admit  I bent the rule on this one, i got very very excited about the look on my husbands face when I came home with the dog that he has wanted for like years! not to mention how my mind had wondered into how my now nearly 8 year old would have a new fury best friend. The football in the garden together etc etc. The Summer walks, The house a little fuller than it was before. Exciting times i thought. My husband deserves this, my family wants this, i work from home, it's totally right- I THOUGHT!
Who was i kidding, I am a realist, I know that white picket fences and the perfect families are all but a show for the outside world... and nothing when it becomes a reality... is ever as it seems.

SOOO... I bring the dog home on Friday night, first time i have ever lied to my husband about anything. HE thought i was in ikea getting blinds so he rushed home to get the measurements and got all his tools out the car. Even after finding out he made a special journey home to provide me with critical information about the blinds i was not buying.... i still continued the lies, "oh no signal in ikea" ... "can't go back the blinds were naff", When i finally arrive home from this magical journey   Empty handed he is non the Wiser to the new dog just metres outside. His sister is outside with the dog and whilst we are playing who let the dogs out....trying to get him to join us in the new dance craze but unfortunately he was not taking the bate ' why would i want to make myself look like a clown dancing.. no I'm aright thanks'. So as me and Casey (our niece)  are dancing away and Louise came in with little fluff ball kenzie. All of this part went to plan, apart from him not dancing,he was very happy, family was happy, lots of smiles lots of giggles, i even saw a tear! Plus lots and lots of shock that i had gone out on a whim and bought a dog. It was a very happy exciting night, an injection of fun and love had just been administered to our home.

NOW, i'm known for not doing the most clever of things but i certainly would not have, what i have now if, if i did sensible things. This may be a rare occasion and perhaps because it's a leap year that i admit.. . That was probably the worst decision i have ever made. I had taken full responsibility for sneaking around buying a dog that my Husband didn't know about but everyone else did. The blame for what happens next lie solely on me.

The morning after the dog has arrived i thought something was waaaay wrong. She hardly moved looked so sad and was falling over. Wow i thought this house is even too crazy for a puppy. That lasted an hour before i got real concerned and phoned the vet and my husband at work. When he got back we went to the vets and i said "she looks like she is dying, i think she's dying" to which my husband laughed and said

1. you thought you were having a heart attack and it was indigestion.

2. you thought you had malaria after holiday ... it was food poising.

3. Shes just been taken away from her mum your over reacting she's home sick

Now i can see why my husband may think that I'm a little dramatic with stuff, so i gave him a spouse pardon with these comments considering the circumstances. But man his face when the vet said this could be parvo and if it is the chances aren't good and we will have to have her put down.

Boom.. there it was, right outside pets at home car park after our pup had been admitted, 12 hours after getting her,  right in front of all the people that were shopping in the aldi next door, that's where i did it, that's where i broke down and did something I rarely do. I cried, so bad i couldn't breath. The first thought that came into my head was how someone could sell a puppy with that awful disease and let them die, and all the other poor pups, how could i have been so stupid!

  Then it occurred to me that this was a christmas gift,SHIT, what an awful awful gift, Merry Christmas, here is a dead dog. Fucking hell. You actually couldn't write it! who wants a dead dog? no one!
Even the TV tells you dogs aren't for christmas, Damn they even have bumper signs that say this, everyone knows what they look like there's so many of them, they are yellow ones that always always say dogs aren't for christmas.  I ignored everything in making this decision and i EXPECTED this to be fabulous when i should have accepted to expect nothing.

It's not very often i think... man that was a bad decision, usually it's well i tried, it failed but i wouldnt have known without trying, but this was different. This had emotional attachment to our family instantly and this decision i made effected everyone's emotions. I was absolutely gutted, mortified, scared of what would happen and worried because i had turned up with a dog that i pushed financially to get, to be told the expected figures of what it may cost to save her. chances are even with spending the money she won't pull through. This would eat into US for sure, because of a decision i had made on my own.

#mybad just didn't cut it with this one i know i had done wrong, as always though my husband was fantastic about it all. We decided to be able to sleep at night we would do what we could to save her knowing we had done our best and she was not in any pain. So I kinda have to remember that next time he puts a red sock in with the whites if he spontaneously  decides to help with the washing on a rare occasion.

a Gruelling Five days at the vets, back and forth from intensive care hospitals and two de contamination of the house later she was able to come home recovered from parvo. This was a traumatic experience for us, one night we had slept next to her taking it in turns to be awake with her because we thought she was on her way. The ups and downs of those five days were really something i do not want to put myself in the middle of again. We had fully expected parvo to beat her with the odds we had but obviously still had hope for her. . This is a miracle, you don't hear many happy endings with parvo in puppies, there is no cure. They either fight it off them-self with aids of drips and antibiotics to help ease symptoms, but no cure, that's down to the dog. I reported the sellers to the rspca so hopefully this doesn't happen to anyone else, i did get told that they removed the pups and dogs from the home so that gives me a little more peace of mind. Bastards, but without going too much into that and wasting too much energy i must remember my life lesson number two, Kalma. Kalma works by itself not with any intervention from a human so let Kalma do his Job and i will do mine.

Life is happier after that awful experience, I hear Sam laughing so loud in the house now, it was silent alot before or the only word that I heard was mum, like a broken record, 30 times a hour, mum, mum, mum. Sanity was on the brink of extension but now it is slowly coming back!

There's so much more to report on the family front but this i'll bring up to speed throughout my blogs this year.

It's January i'm doing the same as everyone else, setting goals and re evaluating life, probably last about another 3 weeks. Time will tell. My goal for sure is to blog a little more, especially when i feel a little semi famous with lovely inbox messages to say it's made you smile or laugh, or requesting another unusual video. smiles and laughter are little pots of gold and for me is everything in life so knowing i make you smile is awesome and i like to hear that kind of stuff. Laughter makes the world go round, screw that money theorey!

which brings me to the business....

which is why i originally set up this blog five years ago... Things are great. It's been a turning point the last 24 months, in many many ways. Some projects have been dropped and some are flying as high as i imagined them too.. You will never truly understand what is involved in someones job until you step into it for a day. Again as i said before, nothing in reality is ever what it seems in expections, In the beginning people told me to get a 'real job', i didn't but was slated for it, apparently a kept woman, do nothing, pipe dream, can't be done, sitting on my unicorn etc etc

Well, Fuck me, This unicorn is amazing

It's totally weird that in the  last five years, how people completely contradict themselves in terms of opinions.

Now the same people who thought it couldn't be done are the ones that think my life is sorted because i work from home, they tell me how good i have it to have flexibility, to do what i want when i want, they say these things only after they realised i didn't just sell 2 or 3 glasses a week. After they heard Amazon approached us for contracts. After knowing we have a license to with Betty Boop. After they knew that the post office refused to take our bags because we have so many and that the post man picks up from our house. After this had not come from my mouth but a friend or family member that told them the reason they hadn't seen me is because I've become a hermit working on a never ending task list. Blah Blah Blah, What a load of bullshit... if you truly believed in the things that could have been achieved you would have had my back without knowing any of the things listed above. and also in me saying the above things makes me sound a right arrogant twat, I'm at a really nice age in life where the only person i have something to prove to is myself. I do try to only talk about it to the people that ask because work, whatever you do is actually quite a boring subject. Just because i do not 24/7 talk about it does not mean it isn't doing well or i am about to fold, it's actually the opposite.  I am openly grateful to those people for telling you to make you realise that things can absolutely be done, sitting on a unicorn should you choose to do so! I really really want people to believe that they do have it in themselves to do amazing things, what ever the dream may be, how big or how small it doesn't matter. I hope it's an example so these people do not try to crush the next dream or they actually give it a go themselves.

 They see what they want to see, they do not see the 5 am starts and the 11pm finishes, working in the dark of night packing, folding tags on car journeys to fit it in, people constantly in your home working during the manic periods, no weekends. They see the idea of working from home, all the time in the world and life is just tickity boo. The real people in my life see my dog shit face october- December and don't question if i have become critically ill, they know what goes in and why....

Oct-Dec

Vs all the other months of the year.....


































You always offer me a branch, be it helping with sam a few hours of packing, no grief about not seeing me.

I love you GUYS! you make these smiles happen and you know who you are!


 I'm going to sum up the business part talking about the amazing gorgeous people i like to call my  indestructibles. People that knew you could do it from the start, people that raved about what you did, they had your back for you, they believed and seen the journey through with you. The wolf pack will forever and ever be by my side for that reason i'm not sure they will ever know what a little lift meant in times of desperation. Even though time is stretched and circumstances and families have changed for us all there i  still value everything. Your my indestructibles. Thank you! I truly appreciate your friendship. My bestest friends in the whole world and oldest friends who have never once doubted me, in fact you probably gave me the lead for the unicorn and painted it purple for me, i love you and thank you. My intelligent sister in law/ totally practical business partner with the most lovable personality has absolutely without a doubt been a rock, we make a great team, your amazing calculations have defiantly put the profits within the company to a new high. As a group of people you have kept the dream in sight and i am eternally grateful! The fabulous staff, whether you are a painter, a packer or a general box collapser you give it your all! Glad to have found you!
Also to the New people have also come into my life injecting new exciting words of wisdom, a thank you also to you for being interested and offering some valuable wise new roads ahead.


who knows what the future will bring i am under no illusion that tomorrow is a new day and hard times may lay ahead, one thing for sure is the learning curve has given me so many new skills and transferable business skills that i no longer fear the 'what if it went wrong'.

If you too are thinking of doing something no one else can see but you, do it, step out of the comfort zone and do it, let a new path lead you to where you should be, Lifes a massive adventure waiting for us to play if we have the courage.

My big ball of stress is about to happen with doctors appointments, and school run, an injured football player wants the all clear to return to having fun with his friends so until the next blog which i hope is next week (but if i suck at my new years resolution then it will be next year) have fun, hug your kids, keep smiling and don't fool anyone with the tickety boo comments that life is great. it's January, we are all fat, contemplating life and a little depressed, talk to your friends about it!


Muchos love
Mrs Bednell