February, the past. the current, the future self

Good morning! 

Another glorious morning on this planet of earth right! The dark windy mornings will not defeat me and I've won the first battle of the day which is getting out of bed.
Even though in the house, at this time in the morning, it is the habitat for polar bears and penguins. There is a war in our house between me and the husband over what is classified as an acceptable living temperature for humans. He thinks Antarctica is acceptable, and me well id rather wake up to the heat of the Mediterranean. 
I am on the underdog side of this battle and really need to think of a counter attack right now. A few months ago, some type of device - I assume made by NASA was fitted on our thermostat. I don't like it, i don't understand it yet I'm drawn to it, staring at it trying to work it out. I am pretty sure this contraption can send an alarm to my husband when I turn up the heating, and then as soon as it went up, without me touching it, it spirals back down. Back down to a place where my only option is to dress like an Eskimo and go ice fishing in our toilet. So one day soon he will come home and there will be storage heaters in every room on full blast, the oven on, door open and when he says it's too hot in here, ill just say in reverse what he says to me... take off a jumper then.
Seriously, how frustrating is it when you are sitting in a jumper, a coat, with other layers underneath, gloves, two pairs of socks and the brain wave of a man is to... put on another jumper! HAVE YOU EVER tried to put a jumper over a jumper. The feeling of trying to get it off because they have frictioned together somehow sends panic signals through my brain just thinking about it! you get the one of the jumpers to about shoulder height and once you realise you are stuck you would actually rather pull your head off trying to get it off then continue to run around in circles screaming get it off i'm stuck.

So no, the two jumper theory is going in the shit advice pile and that is where it will forever stay!

Even sleeping in a balaclava didn't work in my bid to get a few more degrees out of this thermostat. This information of lack of empathy towards my freezing my ass off has been noted for marriage counselling in the future.

.... I'm sure they hear this all the time,
"so what is the problems in the marriage this week"

" well... ITs so strange, i went to make a cup of tea, and a fucking peguin got me the milk, the zoo sent a flock  to us, they are over crowded and heard we had suitable living conditions. They pay rent so my husband thought win win, no heating bills and also money in pocket for penguins. Even though i talk to him every day about my desperation for heat, i think he's on a different frequency, i'm sure aliens captured him to make him tune out my voice, and in the process they fitted a device in our house, on the thermostat, and they control it from their phones!!!  I think that's enough problems for us to discuss this week i am even happy to leave out the fact he expects sex in these conditions, even though i am clearly and ice sculpture at 10pm at night, i go bed in a balaclava and two pairs of pj's because he told me to put extra layers on.... then he wants me to take them all off! I'm confused by this contradiction, His solution is farting, which i have said over and over again that this will absolutely  not thaw me out or make me warm! "

counsellor; ".................. time for divorce"


Yes so getting up is a big bloody task in the mornings at the moment!  But its done so victory dance for me! 

I had a thought over a cuppa this morning! How can my mind change its attitude so quickly over night? little tiny things,

For example;

The whole of January, I was having lots of conversations that were along the lines of  ... wish January would hurry up and end, its a six week month, will it ever ever end, nearly there, it's killing me, ground hog day, wake up.. pop head out of duvet and realise it is still January therefore decide i'm not getting out of bed today, etc etc... 

Then on January 31st i went to sleep as usual.

But then on February 1st when i woke up my daily conversations consisted of...

oh my god, i cant believe it is February, I blinked and it was gone. Time is going so fast. Can you actually believe the first month in 2016 is gone? Christmas was like yesterday! ( I wish Christmas was only yesterday i would feel slightly better about still storing some christmas pud on my hips but hey ho! )

If my today self was talking to my yesterday self they wouldn't even know they had shared the same body! 

I often wonder what my future self will tell my now self ... now that would be some crazy conversations... can you imagine what your future self would say after a night out. 

Now past Laura i know you think its really cool to pretend you are still 18 and try to have shots,however, in doing so prepare yourself to puke in a very public area and be escorted from the premises. 

past Laura ( still drunk) what are you the boring brigade... fuck you, i'm having the best night ever ( puke) 

Would these conversations ever really make a difference to the end result? this is something we will never know but can only wonder. one thing for sure is we become a little more wiser with age. 

Like before marriage, my past self writing a list of things for my future self to stick to, because i may change into someone i do not recognise... whoever said people don't change, seriously got that wrong! I (Tell me people don't change when they have had kids... you bloody have to! you run to bed, you love it more than you love drinking, you savour showers and baths like there's a water strike and headphones are used to block out noise rather than listen to noise. so yes people do change.)

SO my past self would my future self;

 Tell your husband you love him, make time to make new memories, be kind, do not nag, don't hold onto an argument, definitely do not start them, find unique ways to keep him happy, laugh, live and love each other every day, family first always etc etc. 

Now let me tell you that this is great i often refer to my past self and think you were a very clever lady. I also think on the rare occasion that she is a bit of an unrealistic turnip. 

Life just gets in the way doesn't it and well, it just keeps on happening, the usual, the day to day running around being a mum, working, trying not to explode into the size of a small hippo and do it all with a smile, keep the house together, carry out sexual activities so husband remains happy,still retain some form of social life for yourself , do homework for your kids because you do not want to be frowned upon because they didn't do it themselves, even though you nagged about 20 times, AND the biggest most pressured task out of them all is making sure your mini me has the best possible childhood you can give them. 

If i could talk to my past self i would ask her  how she would feel if she went to the toilet and found there was no toilet paper left, that the husband did leave the empty toilet roll in there but did not replace with a new one. How would she feel about running around with her jeans between her ankles trying to locate the next toilet roll with the dog trying to attack her pants. How would she get past this because she said not to nag, therefore no roll was replaced, be kind, so that means she can not air the fact that i think that my husband is to blame for this incident, and how would she  say i love you after she had to fight a dog for her pants.
All the time fighting the dog would she be thinking, fucking men, how hard is it to put new toilet paper down.

How would she react? I wonder...not the same as my future self for sure,

 but i did say the future self is wiser right? so maybe i'm totally right to change the list from what my past self would write.

I am forgetting an extremely important part of life, in fact the most important one.. my present self

As i write this There is a currently a recycling epidemic in our house, i should have sirens to warn people of the ever growing pile of cardboard, plastic and paper that gets put near the back door, on the counter top. At first i look in shock at this then think it must be important better ask the husband what this is about. are we running out of renewable energy, are we saving the earth by insulating with cardboard? 

NO...

No.. No...NO....

when i ask why they are there, its because they need to be put in the bin. Now for any men that are currently reading this if a woman has a long drawn out OK .. it is not ok. 

What my brain is currently doing is processing data. Data that does not work in your favour may i add. it seems simple, put the recycling in the bin, yet it is left, why? why oh why is it left because, i already have like 20 things on my to do list today, that is standard for any working mum and this one extra thing... one teeny weenie ting task of putting that recycling in the bin outside makes us women want to hurt you. If it is infarct one tiny task... do it yourself! 

Honestly.... these are the days when women, including myself  want to throw our hands up in the air and say fuck this fuckidy shit , just fuck it,  and don't even think about fucking me because i'm going bed.... on the sofa.. alone.. (whilst walking away some under the breath fuckin wanker words .. or along those lines, but at this point in time every woman on this planet self diagnoses turrets. We cant be held responsible for our word vom as the volcano has erupted and this is a side effect of that explosion).  

BUT we do not do this! oh no, NO NO NO... because we are women. women that hold this shit together, we decide to put our big girl pants on and say OK... Because if we were to loose our shit about this, you would say we would be on our period, ( god help you if you are one of them that say it and we are not on our period! )

TERMS AND CONDITIONS FOR THE USE OF OK

( we do hold onto this data for further analysis, a touch of editing and it will be ready to bring up in an argument at a later date.... or we reserve the right to use this Intel against you for a valid reason for refusal of sexual duties, no expiration date )

This is what happens in our home... because this is life, and life just happens. sometimes perfect and sometimes world war 3.

well, Hello current self, honest and open about how i really feel because at this point in time in my life i believe honesty is the best policy. I do hope that my future self is never corrupted about my firm morals, ( although morals are taking annual leave when drunk)  I can not talk to my future self as she is wiser and a bit of a bore, my past self has some rose tinted glasses on, and has far too much energy for me to keep up with, therefore i can only really rely on my current self. 

And the current self is quite happy just ticking along a slower steadier road in life where i am not beating myself up at every given chance that i didn't get today completely right. because my current self knows that life just happens exactly the way it is supposed to whether your going 50 or 100 mph. 

So this week we have been celebrating! little man turned 8! .. 8

Now it doesn't matter how old your child is you always have to repeat their age twice because you do not actually believe it, even after the first week! a week, can you believe it ... a week! 

 i am being faced with a reality of my kid not being a kid so much longer! what do i do! how did this happen! i slept what felt a year now 8 have passed! even though i know i wished for things to be easier... that is not what my future self would tell my past self at all! I am so glad i cherished those moments at night to appreciate that that would be the only time he would be that small. I couldn't have gave more to his younger years in that respect but its still going too fast! 

so current self; Do i take every hug the chance i get, do i do these adventures I've always had a habit of putting off until 'next year'. Yes to both, this year is for living, it's for absolutely taking every chance i can to bank some unforgeable moments, moments that do not have to cost anything from my pocket, some that ill just have to close my eyes pay the plastic and figure it out later. This is where i can be the best of me with my boy, i can encourage new things to try, promote independence and shake off anxieties i know he has about new things being scary. That is the plan!

To not let life get in the way.

The boy is obviously well entertained this week after such an event like a birthday! There is lego everywhere. I'm scared about peeing in the night encase Lego is on the floor so i might need a bladder repair next week.

The husband is working like a slave really, the time of years for boilers go bust so ships that pass in the night and on the rare occasions over the last week hit an iceberg and sink. We rectified such a week with a meal together, out, out from the house, the work, the cleaning to just spend a few hours laughing again. that now at nearly 30 classifies as out out, where as before out out meant a 3 day hangover. I was majorly entertained this night as i went all out and had pudding. For those that do not know me that well I am lactose intolerant and cant eat ice cream without feeling, unwell. I do it though... i live on the crazy side of life.. i take the chance that my body may not reject this food. and well, it never quite works. I ate it a big cinnamon waffle that had a side order of icecream - hadn't read that bit!  As we are driving home, we stop at the traffic lights and i open the door and puke, shut the door turn to my husband and say "well that was random" 

His face had me laughing my head off.. for the rest of the night! 

He starred at me even though the lights were on green and said, 

No.. No Laura its not random you are lactose intolerant and every time you eat ice-cream you puke, so you cant say its random! 

HAHA.. you got me ... well, in that case, my body is still lactose intolerable, no change from last month. put it in your data sheet mr know it all.

So the husbands good, knackered but good, the kid is excellent of course he would be after such a fun week, i am happy, as happy as i can be  through the dark months considering the weather plays with my mood so much and the dog, and the dog is just a nutcase, she has a terrible habit at the moment of putting both paws in her water bowl and scoping the bloody water everywhere, absolutely everywhere, i have to mop every day.. then she uses the bowl to skid around on the water, water she just splashed over! so appears to me she's a normal puppy again now! one more week and we can take her on her first walk which we are very excited about! 

Time for me to start the day to day mountain of tasks, in doing so I might also embrace the mount Everest of recycling and use my creative side to paint it ... i paint everything else so I'm sure the husband will not mind that either. I'm going to live in the moment,  

Let us all take today by the horn and lets make 2016 an unforgetable one,  because our current selves are telling us to do so.

Have a fabulous week my fabulous readers.. and if you can't then just throw your hands up and say fuck this fuckidity shit and go bed, you probably need the sleep 

MRS B 

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