Knitty Gritty Life - Can You Relate?

This is a read specifically for mums of school aged children out there.

 I try and keep my facebook posts and Instagram real, with my ageing face, my imperfect ways and my ultimate fails, as well as the highs and the prettier parts of life, like my family's achievements. What is not posted on these sites however is all of my day to day boring, pappy routines. The hours that are spent organising, planning and executing logistics of life and adventures, not always with a smile but more of a resting bitch face ( which my husband always seems to capture whilst being the photographer).

I'M LIVING MY HAPPY EVER AFTER;

However there are some things I just didn't factor into life when I was envisioning the future and how happy l would be. Husband, son and adventure seeking sounded so amazing, So did the dog, the cats, the house, the car, good job, good school and the garden.

Destination happiness right!

My husband is the one for me, and I wouldn't be without my son, pets, house or family I LOVE IT ALL but even with all of that, happiness has sometimes been more challenging than I thought!

The difference between what it says on paper I should feel, and what I ACTUALLY feel, lies within this one word.......Maintenance. The UGLY truth and the difference between my youthful dreams and my real life is Maintenance  (It took me a while to figure this out).

I have been maintaining many relationships and possessions in life to date, sometimes better than others, sometimes not at all and sometimes exceeding in one particular area. People emphasise balance... I have no freaking idea what they are talking about!!!!! Basically my life turns in a circle, one thing is prioritised and then it is not, and then it is, and then it's not. One month I'm super fit, the next month I walk too quickly up the stairs and need to sit down! Some months I've food prepped the week in advance, the next month I am back to staring at the fridge daily wondering what the hell to chuck together with an apple, a potato and some carrots to make sure everyone is getting their five a day.

What others call balance, I call repeating my circle of priorities. It's not that I haven't tried 'balance' .....because I have. I am a sucker for education and self improvement. I've read and listened to a lot of time management theory's, to try and help myself with 'balance'. Majority of those books were written by men, big mistake- men are wired so differently! The male species in general do not know what its like to feel the pressure of buying or making the sheep outfit for the school xmas play, around a equally demanding job, on top of remembering the whole classes name's for Christmas cards. Balance may be a useful way for men to manage life and time but as for women, it's just a prehistoric word that people like to still use to comfort you. In other words, unknowingly make you feel shit about doing more of one thing and less of another. Balance is not always possible! Here's a mums example of managing time; You have allocated time to work, yourself or the house but just as you start you receive a phone call saying your child is ill ,or that they fell into a stationary object and injured themselves ....or any one of the other 100 potential situations that are quite possible with a child. This then becomes your priority immediately over any other plan you had made to keep life 'balanced' then this cycle just repeats itself.

One thing I feel I am consistent with in my priority circle is maintaining the relationship between me and my son. Maintenance of children, a big black hole that you can dive as far into as you like. The basics of feeding, clothing and tucking into bed at night are no longer the basics of a 21st century mum, and as a parent, it's hard to know if you are doing a good job! We are all very reluctant to say or receive a comment such as, "your doing awesome".
So.... for you reading this, before we go any further, I just want to point out, you are awesome. You got this, and you are doing a great job!(I will later tell you why). You perhaps did 120 different tasks yesterday and nailed it all, except you can't stop thinking about that one, two, or ten things you didn't get round to doing. VISUAL ALERT.. I'm holding my hand up and shouting STOP, you did more than enough and regardless of what you did not do, your still awesome. 
(P.s stop worrying about that thing that hasn't even happened).

This parenting thing I always thought would get easier... well ...it just doesn't, not for me anyway. It changes yes, but easier, no. I do enjoy it more than anything else, but it is relentless! I'm in a contract where the terms and conditions just evolve... for the rest of my life! Gone is my contract for spoon feeding, nappy changing, running after and nursing. I had imagined that at this point in life I'd have more time now he could walk, talk and get dressed himself as well as going to school. But....the reality is that the time (and money) I have spent parenting, preparing, organising and thinking about the best solution for the newest dilemma has never, ever changed. My time is now is concentrated on being a second brain to a inquisitive human along with being the activity manager and taxi service to the venues every night of the working week. I'm trying to Guide the independence and growth of a young man whilst yanking that string back in when his boots are getting too big. It is a bit of a weird age, he is not yet a teenager, but not far off and the parenting milestones still continue.

My most recent milestone being.....The birds and the bee's conversation. . . .

PREPARE yourself mothers and fathers of this to come because it's not just one conversation anymore! You will return to this topic on various occasions via various words heard on you tube and the school playground. My son is expanding  his range of  vocabulary to include things like 'pubic hair' and 'boners'. He is finding the humour in this subject and is not particularly embarrassed about any of it (unless you ask if he likes a girl). There have been a few conversations around the dinner table that will forever stay in my memory. For example the time I nearly choked on Spaghetti Bolognese when he recalled his sex ed lesson to us ( Sorry its PSHE).

He was piling spaghetti onto his plate at the time, and out his mouth popped this....

'I asked my teacher what a dildo was today'

Let me tell you, I have been parenting for 10.5 years and I have seen shit and heard shit that can only be seen in horror movies, but not even that prepared me for those words that evening around the dining table.
Trying to not show any type of concern for this information I continued with my poker face and poker tone and asked him "what is it then?" (hoping he was trying to call my bluff). Oh man... his response just left me wide eyed and trying to contain myself from bursting out into hysterics.
(FYI ...I am laughing now writing this as all I can think of is his poor teachers face when he responded to my sons question.... in front of 30 other kids).

Teachers reply. "A Dildo is a plastic penis that no sperm comes out from."

I mean...  straight off the cuff the teacher pulls that off. What a freaking legend!
I was slightly concerned that social services would be at my door after this though and wanted to extract some information on how he came to even know that word... This blew my mind! His response was;

"I overheard someone call a boy named dillan a dildo when they got mad at him. Me and a mate didn't know what it was or why people laughed, so we googled it."

In one way I was completely inspired by his initiative and confidence thinking no one could conjure up this kind of material unless it was true! I was in complete awe of his innocent inquisitive brain. On the other hand I just kept thinking Oh dear, the staff room would have definitely heard about that and I bet there is some type of flag going up against this comment, so I better go and chat to the teachers about this one. . . and sort the restrictions on google out a little better!

After seeing how amazingly my sons teachers dealt with all of that, I was left feeling like MY teachers did not do this whole subject justice. Who knew there was a new stage to puberty in our 30's, it steals  away our time because we are checking the mirror for the chin hairs that may be popping up, or Toe hairs...or other hairs ( hair I potentially have but can not see because gravity is taking a toll). Why did they not tell us that even in our 30's, we will be completely impatient, irritated, tired, angry, annoyed  and still not make that connection between us and mother nature until they day we go to the toilet and say "well that explains a lot!"

This brings me to the subject I am absolutely burning to talk to you all about.

The expectations of the younger and older generation........ and how this effects our generation.

We have to give our self a much bigger break then we are because we are a bunch of guinea  pigs shaping a whole new world! I would have never been able to sit around a table and talk about this kind of thing. Nor did my parents have to attend the several come share with me days in the school term, merit assemblies, extra curricular activities or keep up to date with the latest school email. No general conversations about gender neutral meanings either. 
Within the marriage and home element of life, I'm pretty sure that the previous generation stuck wholly to blue and pink jobs when running a house and the men were the main bread winners.          Women just had part time jobs that were assumed to be for 'pin' money and did a fine job of keeping the home in top shape.

Many things have changed in the past 20 years. When I was growing up the Internet was just invented... like.... just! You could not even use the telephone and the Internet at the same time. To surf the web meant waiting at least 15 minutes listening to the excruciating connection noise before you could search a yahoo bar for a clip art image. That's as far as it went before it was someone else's turn to use the modem. How strange that only 20 years later when I am booking a holiday, all my son is concerned about is the mb per second that the resort can supply. Not ...
"Is it sunny?"
"Where are we going?"
"What can we do? ""
"Who's going?

Just one extended question, "Do they have wifi and is it good".

(There goes thirty minutes of my life checking this info for him!)

Things are changing so fast that it is really hard to keep up to date with it all. We are sandwiched between our parents ways, and our children's ways, trying to figure this all out and keep it together for  Instagram.
Us...We... me...you... them, are daily holding it down whilst sticking on a pinterest smile and re-posting a quote that says something like, I'm a unicorn and I fart fairy dust or, happiness is a journey not a destination.

Do we actually feel this way?

From the minute our children are born, we have so much to learn, and so many sources to learn this from, mother instinct and books are gone, internet is in. Google is our greatest asset, as well as our biggest enemy! It has caused us to become self certified doctors (or any other profession we want to you tube). Whilst researching we have become more intelligent, more focused, ambitious and varied, but on the other side of this sword we often cause ourselves unnecessary worry and concern. People can explore and learn so much from this instantaneous source, it's amazing! But once that snowball starts, it's really hard to rein it back. Are we remembering that we can do anything... but not everything? Within all of this excitement and enthusiasm over what pinterest project we will do with our kids next, the fundamental elements of caring for our self are becoming less of a priority, like eating well, getting enough exercise and enough sleep. You can loose hours having fun expanding your knowledge with something like ' funny cat vines', I mean,  'top tips for new mums' and it all just depends how far you want to go into it. Then... after all that research of learning baby stuff and being the newest super nanny on the scene, it changes and they are off to school (with 100 more new things to google and learn). 

.... and in creeps the 21st century school mum pressures!

The school my son is at is absolutely amazing, where the teachers are fabulous and so are the ptfa.   I feel like the ladies are so fabulous at putting these things together that I should be too, but I'm not. I try and catch up with emails ... always...(school email becomes priority as there may be a non uniform day that I must remember ) when I really should be resting, doing something I WANT TO, not have to, or just taking a pee in peace. I think every other parent looks like they have it all together and takes it in their stride whilst loving every minute of it and I'm just constantly setting reminders to remind myself about the non uniform day or cake sale.

I was surprised when someone asked me how I get so much stuff done and keep it together (Like the women I was just describing, except someone thought that was me!)
I replied, "I don't, I absolutely don't." I'm sorry if I give that impression to the outside world, of being super productive or holding it down, that is not the true reflection at all. I went on to explain
"There has been one week where I was barely holding my shit together around activities, working, wifing and mumming and a request for cakes literally made me cry. I am fortunate enough that I have a great group of women beside me that were having a better week than me and sent in the cakes on my behalf." I could sense the other parents relief as I admitted that the guilt I had after not sending in cakes was quite frankly ridiculous. I know, it's just cakes, but there's no rationalising with a mummy brain sometimes. That particular week I had sent in mixing bowls,  school trip money, gdpr forms, read every day with my son , spelled everyday, supported a school football match - twice- (with lifts) and did a come share with me day.... all of those things and  a piece of cake just sent me over the edge!

So what is my point?
The expectations on parents from the government and local authorities has rapidly evolved from the previous generation. With schools going to academies it is important for them to get the extra funding and they need help from parents. What's bad from a parents perspective is we have far less time to do this in now the 'norm' is both parents from a family unit work full time jobs (as from 2014).

( You aren't abnormal if you are a stay at home mum- you rock, have different yet equal pressures - this is not wrote to make you feel insignificant. This is wrote based on the growing statistics and how much things are changing, and I'm not saying for the better. Whatever mum you are I am sure you agree that children are the toughest job we will ever have seeing as there is no beginning or end of our day but yes- it is worth it!)

Here is an interesting read around the stats - clearly in this study we can see how we are  actually shaping a new generation.
https://www.workingfamilies.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Modern-Families-Index_Full-Report.pdf
( I was absolutely mind blown that in the 1970's fathers spent 15 minutes a day helping with child care... and now we are moving on to about 3 hours a day. But mummies- in general, you got to pick up the rest of a 24 hour day!)

Knowing this above information I try and teach my son how to cook, change sheets, clean and wash. Not because I want to be parent of the year (or the worst parent ever to exist) but because I can't stand the thought of when he is older thinking that some woman ( or man) will feel pressured to take care of him around their full time job too. I feel he needs to see the time it takes to  plan it, prepare it, cook it, clean it, to fully be grateful to someone that does the overlooked tasks that come with knitty gritty life.

aaaaaaaaaaaand there are lots of tasks that are overlooked!

Epiphany on time -

I went to the cinema last week,  after paying an extortionate amount of money for a tango ice blast and a coke I had an epiphany as the lady gave me empty cups and pointed out the machine. I starred at my husband and said "Why am I filling this up myself, I just on line booked, printed my tickets and now I'm having to fill up my own coke? I'm not even going to go into depth about how I had to do five tasks to even get my printer to work ( 30 minutes of my life gone)

He kept quite ( he was probably working out if it was the time of the month) and it lead my brain to wonder off into a minefield of other tasks we now have to do ourselves. You are now the check out girl in the super market. You are online admin for car tax ,  banking, school trips, doctors appointments and insurance. Online event manager such as bowling, cinema and days out. You are a travel agent booking your own holidays. You even order your own food at McDonalds. Literally everything that other people used to do to provide HELP to us, is gone or going. Apparently, it's more convenient for us.  So before we even start 'balancing' the relationships, the house and the other activities we commit too, our life is loaded with a part time admin job and remembering the freaking plastic bags before we even go shopping.

I feel these extra jobs that we can not avoid has had an impact on us in society and is one of the causes for the rise in anxiety and stress levels.
.

	Mean Average	Low	Medium	High	Very High
		0 - 4	5 - 6	7 - 8	9 - 10

October 2014 - September 2015	2.83	41.29	23.23	16.42	19.06
January 2015 - December 2015	2.85	40.95	23.24	16.54	19.26
April 2015 - March 2016	2.87	40.79	23.14	16.61	19.46
July 2015 - June 2016	2.89	40.44	23.08	16.80	19.67
October 2015 - September 2016	2.90	40.40	23.10	16.74	19.76
January 2016 - December 2016	2.89	40.32	23.41	16.57	19.70
April 2016 - March 2017	2.90	40.15	23.34	16.65	19.85
July 2016 - June 2017	2.91	40.09	23.37	16.68	19.86

No change in school hours but increased working hours for a family unit to stay afloat, with a  whole load more admin duties to deal with day to day! (I'm not sure what the governments plan is around all of this mental health awareness but ideally someone who has a higher degree than my swimming certificate needs to take a serious look into the statistics as I'm pretty sure they would find causes and solutions within the data they already have).

So to you, the regular knitty gritty life owner, if you ever feel like you aren't enough, should be happier, aren't coping how you think others are, just take a look at the statistics and see you are not alone. You can be happy, and overwhelmed all at the same time because we are a generation that is really going through some huge changes and major expectations from every angle of life! I said at the start that you are awesome and I'd later tell you why, this is it. Even  knowing that it is impossible to fit it all in, you try anyway, you still put that pinterest quote smile on your face, you still throw the apple, carrot and potatoes' together for a balanced dinner ( occasionally), you loose friends, gain friends and maintain friends. You hold down that job (battling time), you make the school stuff when you can, you figure and plan the logistics, you admin the shit out of home life and you book those days to make memories with your family...but above all -you carry on! Tears, smiles or nervous laughter, you do it regardless and That makes you a 21st century kick ass mum.

COMING TO AN END
Nothing is my life is perfect, or perfectly balanced... ever. I'm just in a circle of priorities maintaining what I have the best I can. In accepting nothing will be balanced and priorities can change in an instant has made me realise what I do is enough. I FEEL GOOD, organised and inside happier since putting in some structure. I have many tools I could share in future blogs to help capture the extra admin side of life and communication tools, Written for women, by women! Along with some very interesting things around social media and how to be a master of technology, not a slave to it. .
For a while my Free as a bird hippie, winging it as I go along attitude no longer worked for me with my extra commitments. I needed to be super organised to make things happen, I've been getting sorted so I can jump back on that hippie train and enjoy each and every minute.
Please communicate with me, comment, pm or share if you want to see more of this content so I know there Is an audience,  After all instead of writing this, I could be searching you tube  for the latest try not to laugh challenges or funniest cat vines of 2018. . . I mean 'how to prepare for secondary school'.

Where ever you are and what ever you are doing for the rest of your day, I hope you continue to fart fairy dust whilst riding your unicorn on your journey in complete happiness. For now, Thanks for reading.

Mrs B     xx

P.S  For our outdoor adventures and hiking advice be sure to follow;

www.instagram.com/thepoorunfortunatesoles

(Today we are celebrated reaching 1k in followers with a nice cuppa tea ... )